When the mask starts slipping

We all mask at times, where we hide our true self, whether it is for protection or just not wanting to share the real you in a certain circumstance. Abuse survivors learn that masking is a necessity in every day life. When you leave the abusive situation sometimes the mask stays on. I have had my mask on for 8 years. I have not fully learned how to let it go just yet. I mask in front of my kids, I mask in front of my therapist, I mask in front of everyone. The abuse I had for 30 years made it impossible for me to feel like I could show anyone the real me. The few times I let the real me shine it was mocked, corroded, and used against me. I was conditioned to be the person that the narcissist wanted me to be. I could not let my real light shine as it showed too much of the abuse and highlighted the evil I was dealing with. I find it impossible to enjoy the things I used to love. One reason is my depression, which I am trying to work through and integrate into my life. Another reason is I was conditioned to not do those things that I loved because it, somehow, took my attention. I was not allowed to read because it "took me away" from the narcissist or took me away from my kids and that made me a bad Mom, I couldn't listen to my music because it was too sleepy and he didn't like it. Little things that meant so much to me had to be put aside so the narcissist didn't object or complain. I didn't realize the toll this took on me, as I was just trying to exist through all of this. Now, as I look back and see that I have set aside most of the things that meant something to me, I am trying to integrate all those things back into my life. The hurt, scared, person in me fights with the knowledge that I CAN ENJOY THESE THINGS AGAIN. I still fight the feeling that somehow, someway I am going to be punished for doing these enjoyable things again and I am slowly getting past that. That, I think, has been the hardest part of all this...getting past the demon's in my head and reassuring myself that it is possible to live again.